Administering standardized tests means that you have no time at all to accomplish the myriad things on your to-do list, much less teach classes, run groups, see individuals, or deal with the inevitable crises that arise when you are unavailable. It does, however, give you plenty of time to plot revenge, even if you are also scribing and reading all the allowable bits.

Who, you might ask, is deserving of SuperCounselor’s particular brand of justice? Well, today it’s the the Kingpin of the Testing Mafia, the guy who decided that it was a fine idea to make eight-year-olds who, for good reason, are not yet anywhere near the “proficiency” level expected of their age peers, spend 12 hours over three days being reminded that they are “less than.” Or, in the words of some of them, “too stupid.”

While SuperCounselor was stewing about this, she decided to test her own proficiency in math. Here are some of her calculations:

A kid who is 8.5 years old has been alive for 74,460 hours.
74,460 hours of life divided by 12 hours of testing means that she has spent 0.16% of her life testing.
A Testing Mafia Kingpin, who is, say, 50.5 years old has been alive for 442,380 hours.
0.16% x 442,380 hours = 70.8 hours of the Kingpin’s life.

So here’s SuperCounselor’s plan:

1. The Testing Mafia Kingpin should be made to sit in a small, windowless room, and do rocket science for 70.8 hours over three days – a mere 23.6 hours per day. But don’t worry, he’ll be fine. He can have stretch breaks and snacks!

Rocket science. That seems fair.

2. Also, sitting right there beside him will be his most trusted advisor – his personal guru, favorite business school professor, or clever campaign strategist. How great is that??!!!! Someone known to him! Someone who can read the directions and other allowable parts. Of course, to be fair, the guru will have to read these in Finnish, but that’s only the fourth hardest language for English speakers to understand – Supercounselor and her team of test developers are not completely heartless! It’s not like they’re expecting him to understand Basque or Cantonese or something. That would be unreasonable! The guru can scribe too; isn’t that Kingpin lucky? Of course, there will be no scribing of numbers or mathematical symbols, which, as far as Supercounselor can tell, make up the bulk of what rocket science actually is, but, oh well, “no Kingpin left behind,” don’t you know!

Finnish. How hard can it be?

3. How fortunate for the Kingpin that he will have his guru – the person he can always count on for assistance, the person who builds him up and answers his questions and helps him to understand the things that are confusing him. But, um, actually, um . . . the guru will not be allowed to give any help or answer questions. But the guru can pass him a snack! And reread the directions in Finnish, as often as the Kingpin needs! Isn’t that great??!!!!

“Just do your best!”

4. Oh yes, one more thing . . . Prior to going into the test, the Kingpin should be thoroughly infested with lice. Sure, they’ll itch, but they’ll also help keep him alert during those long hours of testing. And he’ll have the perfect tool in case he wishes to scratch. Number 2 pencils are not just for bubbling in answers!

Two, two, two tools in one! It’s a test bubble filler-inner AND it’s a lice scratcher!

It’s a good thing that SuperCounselor is usually too busy to plot revenge, because once she gets going . . . whoa! The happy news is that testing in Gotham is over for the year, and SuperCounselor is back to her usual day-in, day-out heroics. But, nevertheless, I suggest that any Testing Kingpins out there watch themselves!