One of the things I really, really love about school counseling is that you never quite know what is going to happen – and some of what does happen is often quite hilarious, at least in retrospect, if not actually in the moment. Such was the case on Friday, thank goodness! It had been a long week, which featured guest appearances on two of the three days by a child protective services worker, a police officer, and a guardian ad litem. And, no, they weren’t there for Career Cafe! But never fear, hilarity to the rescue!

Chapter One: Tempting Fate 

At our district counselors’ meeting first thing Friday morning, each of us shared how things were going so far. One of the high school counselors said that she couldn’t quite believe it, and that she was embarrassed to admit it, but things were going really well – they were easy, even. Laughter and wood knocking ensued, and the doom and gloomiest of us (well, not really, it was just me being silly) said that she might have just brought on the wrath of the school counseling gods and totally cursed herself! A few hours later, here’s what popped up in the subject line in a group email to all the district counselors:

“I retract my former statement!”

I was already cracking up just reading that, but when I opened the email, it said,

“I can already hear Rebecca’s laugh traveling down Route 5!”

I’m sure she could! Along with diplomas from Masters of Counseling programs, they really should hand out stone tablets that read: “Tempt not the gods of school counseling” because we could all use a little reminder/paperweight on our desks!

Tempt not the gods of school counseling!

Chapter 2: Down the Bank

Here’s a note that I found when I returned to my office after teaching a class:

Down the bank!!!! “The Bank” is a very steep drop off behind our school, a veritable graveyard for over-thrown playground balls, at which kids can stare longingly, but never retrieve. Although the note seemed to indicate that drastic measures were being considered, I knew that what the author probably meant was that she and her class were going to be wading in the stream and setting up territories for their animal observation experiments. The thought of what I might have imagined if I hadn’t been familiar with the science curriculum cracked me up!

Chapter 3: SuperCounselor

After working with a fourth grader who needed a little help talking to another student about some unkind behavior, she said to me, “You are like a superhero!” I laughed delightedly and said, “I guess I need a cape!” She said, “Yeah, and a K for kindness on your shirt.” She scrunched up her face and seemed to be picturing the new superhero me in her head. She added, “You’re going to need tighter clothes!”

It’s a teacher . . .it’s a principal . . . No! It’s SuperCounselor!

Chapter 4: Captain Underpants

I had a new one yesterday (yes, even after 100 17 years, I haven’t seen it all!) After a heads-up from my otherwise occupied counseling partner, I went in search of a little guy who had for some reason headed back to his empty classroom for a pair of shorts. I found him rifling through his backpack and he told me that he had had an accident. He was well equipped with emergency shorts and underwear, and I directed him into the nearby kindergarten bathroom, a one-person space which opens out to the hall.

I called out encouragement through the closed door, since lunch was underway, but the only response I got was moaning about how the shorts were too short. He opened the door to show me and here’s what I saw: (1) wet underpants and wet shorts on the floor, (2) a boy wearing shorts that looked perfectly fine, and then (3) WAY more, as the little guy, who is usually pretty pokey, whipped down the offending shorts, which started dragging the dry underwear with them. Luckily, I had known better than to have the door open more than a just little bit – I have done my fair share of time outside the kindergarten bathroom – so quickly shut it, and told him that when the door is open you have to be all the way dressed. More moaning ensued, but eventually he assured me he had on his shorts and opened the door.

Nope, no shorts, but the dry underpants were, thankfully, returned to their proper place. He insisted that the dry shorts were torture devices designed to shorten his life and bring on the destruction of the universe, or something to that effect, but I told him that if he just put them on for one minute, we could go to the nurse’s office and get another pair to wear while we washed the wet ones. That idea did not sit well with him, and he tried to get past me into the hall, determined to make the trip clad as he was. Captain Underpants clearly did not realize that he was dealing with SuperCounselor!

Captain Underpants, though formidable, is no match for SuperCounselor!

SuperCounselor told Captain Underpants that he could choose either pair of shorts, but shorts were required for hallway travel. He tried convincing her that he would just tug down his shirt and no one would notice. (SuperCounselor had to work REALLY hard not to smile during the cross-your-legs-tug-your-shirt-down-in-front-oops-now-it’s-too-short-in-the-back-so-tug-it-down-in-the-back-oops-too-short-in-the-front-repeat-futile-tugging-attempts-while-trying-to-walk dance.) Then he tried wailing that he didn’t want to go to the nurse, moved on to a bathroom floor sit-in (yuck!), and ultimately asserted that the wet shorts were fine and he would just wear them because he DID NOT want to go to the nurse. SuperCounselor, however, prevailed (for the moment), and Captain Underpants redonned the wet ones.

But wily Captain Underpants had yet another trick up his sleeve for escaping the certain doom that awaited him in the nurse’s office – he could use his shirt-tugging superpower to fool the other kids into thinking that his shorts were not wet! Not to be outsmarted, clever SuperCounselor struck her kindly-but-determined-hands-on-hips pose (see above) and triumphed in the Battle of Getting to the Nurse’s Office With Pants On. Though this may seem like the happy ending, the war was not yet over. Captain Underpants is a formidable fellow, but luckily SuperNurse joined forces with SuperCounselor and, though he struggled valiantly (“They’re too big!” “They’re too tight!” “They have a belt!”), Captain Underpants was vanquished – well, dressed in new, dry shorts anyway – and order was restored in Gotham – er, school.

Note to 6-year-olds everywhere: If the school counselor AND the nurse say you have to change your pee-ed in pants long enough for them to get laundered, you might as well just give in now!

So here’s to all the SuperCounselors out there! (Please play appropriate background music in your head.)

Faster than a runaway kindergartener, more powerful than the smell of fifth graders after P.E., able to pile up heaps of overdue paperwork in a single mound! It’s a teacher! . . . It’s a principal!. . . It’s SuperCounselor!

Yes, it’s SuperCounselor, strange visitor from another planet who came to earth with powers and abilities far stronger than those of mortal men. SuperCounselor, who can change the course of mighty testing initiatives, bend conflicts in her bare hands, and who, disguised as [your name here], mild-mannered counselor for a great (choose one) metropolitan-suburban-rural school system, fights a never-ending battle for kindness, planning time, and the ASCA way!

Here’s hoping that the Captain Underpantses in your world never discover kryptonite!

Pffft! This guy’s got NOTHING on us!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KAROcbv4gco]

What wacky escapades have you had at school? Please share!